I WANT CAN DO!

American exceptionalism meets Kiwi Apathy

New Zealand is a somewhat quiet country. We don’t have screaming birds like Australia, and our people—like the birds—don’t generally scream at each other.

It is not culturally acceptable to yell or be pushy or demand good service or get in anyone’s face or make a big deal of yourself.

And on that, I have a story to tell you.

I was 14 years old living in a small, sedate town in rural New Zealand, when onto this dignified stage walked a relative who had moved to the USA in his youth.

He was 6’4”, weighed about 250 pounds, and had a huge red beard with a similar mop of hair.

He ran a fleet of crab boats out of Seattle and had a big, booming voice, a deafening laugh, and fists like Christmas hams.

He was alive in a way I had only seen in American movies!

He told loud crazy stories and spouted his own huge, definite opinions.

I would always lurk near, listening… as I was obsessed with the Promised Land (Merica), and it was my life’s goal to live in America and have money and food.

If I couldn’t be like the kids on Beverly Hills 90210, then maybe I could at least be like Al Bundy on “Married with Children”.

No one in the family could tolerate him. They would be super nice to his face but behind his back, they would sarcastically mock him and his forceful, righteous, American ways.

His larger-than-life presence and thundering voice still echo in my mind to this day.

One moment I shared with him has stuck with me forever.

That moment changed me and put me on a path out of New Zealand’s dark and rainy conservative clutches and into the healing, freedom-filled embrace of the Promised Land (Merica).

He, myself, and two other family members had gone into the hardware store to get some nails and wire to fix a fence on the farm.

We went up to the counter to get some help.

The clerk was reading the newspaper.

Big Red said, “Hey buddy, I’m looking for these particular nails (he described them) and this particular wire (described it).”

I should explain that customer service in New Zealand is almost nonexistent, especially in the service industry where there is no tipping. You just get what you get and like it. Or you just have to be sad.

The clerk, without even really looking up, limply gestured toward the aisles of hardware products and said, “I’m not sure if we have that, but you can look down there.” And then he went back to reading his newspaper.

Big Red looked shocked, and I saw a terrifying transformation come over him.

He had just TOTALLY FUCKING HAD IT.

He was used to the good “Yes Sir” service he’d received in the USA.
Professional service and personal capability were important things to him, and he had ranted about this many times; never failing to point out to us how shit New Zealand was.

He liked to point out that McDonald’s makes 100 times more than New Zealand, and it was all because we were poor, lazy, pathetic, and sad.

I agreed. Hoping he would one day hire me.

He ran a crab boat crew, and the guys on those boats had to be very capable and go into action right away. If you weren’t professional, skilled, and swift, you could die.

Big Red had just had it with the can’t-do, no-assistance attitude of the people in the New Zealand service industry. So he slammed his ham-sized fist down in full force on the countertop and yelled in his earth-shattering yelling-above-the-wind-and-waves voice, “I WANT CAN DO!!”

I swear everything on that countertop jumped a foot in the air, the clerk’s eyes bugged out of his head, and his mouth gaped open like a hooked bass.

Big Red yelled again, “I WANT FUCKING CAAAAAN DO!!! CLOWN!!!! I WANT WIRE! I WANT NAILS!!!!”

The clerk jumped up and zoomed down the aisles like he was on wheels.
And guess what? We got our wire and nails in short order.

I watched the whole episode in awe.

The other two family members literally ran and hid in their cars after the first CAN DO!

They were so embarrassed.

Not me though! I marched along with him and carried the stuff out like a boss.

Yeah! I want CAN DO too! Get those fuckin’ nails for us, dipshit! Us real men have a fence to build!

Afterward, Big Red and I fixed the fence and had a fantastic day together, where I had him tell me story after story of the Promised Land and how much better it was than New Zealand.

I think that incident kept me grinning for an entire week.

For years after that, I would yell, “I WANT CAN DO!” and slam my fist onto things whenever someone told me something could not be done. As I wasn’t massive and had no huge, scary, red beard, my actions were met with varying levels of success.

We can always do with more CAN DO.

I’m writing this at 12:24 a.m.… FFS…

I do know that the idea of driving forward and getting things done propelled me to live a rad and adventurous life. I refused to be a victim that could not get shit done.

This came in very handy as detailed in my other stories about roofing and logging and demolition.

Over the next 20 years I pushed myself to become so CAN DO! that I would out-CAN-DO the toughest maniacs on the worksites. This was likely very unhealthy and damaging to my body and mind. But it makes for good stories…

People don’t say “harden up!” to complainers enough anymore… but I used to do that.

Let’s bring it back :)

22 and lugging 3 tons of slate a day up ladders onto roofs in the hot Aussie Sun - being CAN DO!

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