PSUDEO SHAMAN BUSH MISSION MONUMENTAL FUCKING WIG OUT ADVENTURE TIME!
Heading up into the Bush.
Above. Me and Billy about to roll out. Sack full of hope and head full of dreams.
In case you missed the last episode… My goal was to find some suburban human who wanted to be hardcore… who wanted to push themselves to the next level.
My Idea was to find some pal and go on a four-day wilderness mission into the woods.
With just some food and basic camping gear.
I had heard there was a water pipeline that you could walk on for days. It would take you way way up into the bush. A straight shot.
Find some city guy who wants to go on an Adventure. Go on this adventure way way up into the deep scary bush. And see what happens…probably a bear attack…
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I met a guy… who had a sort of fake mohawk thing where the hair was pushed up but not actually shaved on the sides… I met him punking about at a cafe and we started hanging out. Got to know him… let’s call him Billy… He had strict parents, came from Toronto, and left home early to work as a chef and punk about Toronto. He was chilling and leading a cushy chill life of weed-blazing, working 25 hours a week and sitting about on a couch watching Seinfeld DVDs. He wasn’t particularly into self-improvement or pushing himself but at my ranty dream-selling insistence he was willing to drop to the devil’s lettuce for a bit and go on a four-day mission.
He needed a Jazz up!
So off we went.
We stocked up on supplies.
Water, Banana chips, Dates, smokies, and chocolate chips. That’s to last four days.
We rode out the the start of the pipeline, stashed our bikes, and started walking…
It was just like this for miles and miles.
We just walked and talked when it got dark we camped in our hammock tents.
,So it seemed uneventful… we saw a snake and a huge slug… and ate all our food on the first day…
We crashed out…. it was a bit boring really…. just lots of trees… but then…
In the middle of the night… while wrapped up in my sleeping bag and hanging about 3 feet off the ground in the hammock tent…I suddenly woke.
Something MASSIVE came crashing through the bush towards us!
It sounded like TREES were exploding. The ground shook.
It started sniffing huge sniffs and made a whiney noise.
Was it a massive freaky Big Foot Monster?
No. Just a massive bear that was going to eat us up. We couldn’t run… dared not scream… and were nicely wrapped up like a bear burrito to eat.
I have never been so scared. And still have not been as scared yet, but I can hope.
My Rambo Knife was in my bag out with the bear.
So there would be no bear-stabbing Legends of the Fall level knife fight.
I just had to hope it would eat Billy instead of me.
I took a photo of myself stupidly forgetting the flash might cause it to come eat me…
I did a thumbs up… I wanted my last photo to be a happy one… in case anyone found my camera one day. That’s what happens… they always find the camera. Blair Witch Project taught me that. I was so fucked with terror I thought I was smiling. But I actually had a frozen terror face… and that’s the best smile I could make.
That face says “ Yip… gonna die in the bush from a bear. But I’m sort of OK with that.”
After the photo… I heard it sniffing around our stuff and pushing stuff about… I decided to explode out of my hammock tent, scream at it, make a run for my Rambo knife… blind it with the camera flash stab it in the throat when it rushed me.
As I readied myself for my bear killing rush… it decided to just head out.
When its bush smashing noise of its departure faded… I said “ Bro?”
Billy said, “Fuck this shit man, we could have died.”
Me: “But we didn’t and now we have a story to tell. Tomorrow we will just put our hammocks way up in the trees so bears can’t get us.”
Billy “Bears can climb trees better than people bro, and we have no food".”
Me: “Nah, we’ll be fine. We will hunt and forage!”
Billy “Fuck that shit. I’m out of here in the morning. You can die out here by yourself you crazy Kiwi.”
And so Billy rolled out first thing back to the soft cushy human world of food and safety.
No judgment.
I slept in and then hunted about my camp. I didn’t know what berries were good or not, so I didn’t risk it.
I killed a small snake with a whacking stick, cooked it, and ate it for dinner. From living in Australia I did know that all snakes were edible.
I read my book and felt strong and badass as fuck.
And look how high I got my Hammock Tent up the tree that night. Like 50 feet. I also had my knife WITH me. So I could stab a bear’s face if it tried to get me.
I didn’t die from a bear. I went home a legend (to myself) …not because I met the bear and survived. But because I stayed on by myself one more night to show the wilderness who the boss was.
I will admit that staying in the woods by yourself a day’s walk from anywhere is so fucking scary that fuses blow in your brain. I highly recommend it. My record is 17 days alone in the bush. But that Is another story for another time.
I got back to Victoria safely and was done with mind fucking bush missions for a bit.
It was time to start making a living playing Texas Holdem with stoners and blowing the winnings at seaside restaurant seafood lunches and fun filled nights spent in in a shitty Victoria dive bar, listening to 80s music and pounding a Canadian beer called “Moose Piss”.
All aboard the Moose Piss Express.
Next stop Badchoicesville and Miserytown.
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The scariest thing about that story has got to be the photo and idea of the height of the hammock.
50 feet in the air is just fucking crazy