The super princess wistfully looking into a frozen stream.
If you are just joining us, please start the saga from part one… or this will make almost no sense.
And so we begin our final part…
The bean bag system was good but I couldn’t just keep throwing my love away like cheap wine.
I had so much to give.
I was listening to a lot of Finland’s greatest melodic power metal band, Nightwish, and working doing heritage restorations of copperwork and slate roofing in Sydney, as featured in my storys The DOME, and THROWING LUNCHES OFF THE ROOF.
One night while watching a music video on DVD of Nightwish featuring all the Nordic glory of the snowy trees, the dim winter sun, and the mystical goodness of the fantasy-like world being portrayed in the video…. I had a revelation.
I would move to Finland and marry a Finnish Princess.
Can you guess what I called this operation?
It’s perfectly normal to conduct one’s life like a war right?
Why Finnland? Well, I knew they were Nordic… so must be healthy and intelligent. The compulsory military service would make them way less likely to crack up under the stress of being my lover.
From what I could research, they were family-oriented and damn good-looking.
I needed someone mentally strong.
Becoming personally weaker or maybe more tolerant of bad behavior so a gal would stay with me longer was not an option.
I had use of a pretty new thing called THE INTERNET and MSN Messenger!
There was a Search function on MSN so I typed in FINLAND FEMALE AGES 19-36.
BOOM, there were listed over 300 emails.
So I wrote out a letter.
It went like this:
Hi! My name is Wez and I’m a Canadian-born New Zealander currently living in Sydney.
I am a coppersmith.
I am into surfing and snowboarding and living a great life.
I’m all about the health of the mind and body.
I’m interested in learning more about Finland and I’m looking at coming over soon.
Who are you? I’m interested in you and would love to talk.
Here are some photos of me.
AAAAAAND you can imagine the badass sort of well-muscled and sparkly eyes, Auzzie sun-lit and tanned young man bullshit photos I sent.
I got about 30 replies!
I soon progressed from emails to MSN Messenger chats, sometimes having so many windows open that the laptop froze. There was a lot of cut and pasting and keeping track of which name went with which hobby or interests.
When I had a good week of communication going, I started getting photos and even requested them when I did not get them. This enabled me to cut the number down to a final six.
Here is one that didn’t make the cut. Friendly enough though… but I was looking for a wife, not Marylin Manson’s sister to get freaky with.
I’m looking over the pictures of the ones that made the cut now…and wow just wow… I won’t post them, because it’s just wrong and feels creepy. but I will post this.
Yes, my friends. WEZRAD > Old Lappy Docs > Finn
Check out the dates on those JPGs.
Its hard to imagine the Brave New World of the internet back then. How exciting and slow.
I would get one in an email and start downloading it…and go get a cup of tea … come back and see the face and neck … oh … is it topless? Whoah… this looks like its toppless!
Still downloading line by line… Go make some toast… come back aaaaand no… just a low-cut top. Sadness.
OK, so that was my life now. Talking to Finnish Princesses on my Laptop, whenever I could. I became celibate, worked out, ate really healthy, and started having cold showers. I think I even went jogging once. This was pure stuff guys. No sex chats or dick pics or anything, I didn’t even think that was a thing back then.
I guess the gal would see the pubes as the photo started to download and just stop the transfer in horror. Now it’s just sprung on you.
These were classy dames and I was purging myself of the Auzzie minge invasion that had put me on the wrong path and drained me of all my vital chi.
THE PRINCESSES
21. Tank and truck mechanic in the army. Really really good-looking. Like Elven Princess level. You can kind of see in the photo top above. Fantasy live-action Roleplayer and very smart. Looked like the perfect elf.
And the photos of her in uniform… and lots of nice long emails…were just almost too much.
21 Goth, very pretty. liked the same music as me, smart.
19 lived at home with her dad. Bit chubby but very upbeat.
22 went to Veterinary College. Bit horsey-faced.
22 went to university. Into horse riding. Also a bit horsey-faced.
36 years old. Two young kids. Rich. Very good looking and blonde. Healthy, and really really keen on me. Husband had died in a car crash. Owned a ski resort.
Wanted to pay for me to come over right now. The fact that I insisted on paying my own way just proved that I was the right man for her and that I needed to get on the plane right away. When she started with the sexy talk, and a classy bubble bath nude I almost packed my shit and went. But I was still only 24. My thinking was that there would be plenty of time for a very good-looking healthy rich 36 year old blond with two kids when I’m 50.
No need to rush into things. I knew all about 36-year-old gals and the stress and creeping doom they deal with as they begin the slide to 40 and over its slippery and perimenopausal edge…
I had dated a few and the mindblowing sex wasn’t worth dealing with the late night full body shake-crying over tits starting to lose their battle with gravity.
My friends all knew I was totally nuts, so when I told them about Operation Finnish Princess they just nodded, and kept living their normal lives.
I of course didn’t tell anyone in my family about it, because fuck them, this is how I roll. I play it fast and loose. I do shit like suddenly decide to move to Finland and get married.
THE STAGES OF OPERATION FINNISH PRINCESS.
Keep the Princesses on high boil with continual Emails and MNS chats. DONE
Get ticket to Finland. Got one via an air-hostess friend. Business class to San Francisco. Open ticket. On to London. Train to France and from there up to Helsinki via train and ferry. DONE
Arrive in Finland and email PRINCESS NUMBER 1 that I have just flown in from Auzzie and I'm here!!
Meet up and push it through to a relationship and true love and marriage, before the Visa runs out.
If within a few weeks, it doesn’t look like its a going to be a taker, email PRINCESS NUMBER 2. “I have just flown in from Auzzie and I'm here!!”
Repeat until 6 if needed.
Well… spoiler alert… I didn’t make it to Finland. I had a wild adventure in America and was rapidly engaged to a Finnish LOOKING gal.
This is another story I will write next.
But I DID keep the princesses on the go as a backup… right up till the day before my wedding.
I gently let them down, with a heartfelt tale about meeting the love of my life…
But… I also kept princess number one on… and we are still friends to this day on Facebook. She’s 45 now of course… and I’m 47. I won’t be marrying her. I'll be staying married to the mother of my child… unless when I'm 50 some very good-looking healthy rich blond 36 year old Finn with two kids rolls up ;)
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Fuck dude, I was hoping you'd end up with horse face.
Seriously though, this is wild and pretty interesting. Thanks for sharing.