Operation Finnish Princess! PART II
Australian Women. Out of the Cold Darkness and Into the Light.
There is a dark outlier… that floats across to NZ on dark shrieking wings… to taunt and tempt … to break apart the system (…of control and kiwi sexual matriarchy as detailed in part I ).
The Auzzie gal.
Now I had only two run-ins with Australian Women while living in New Zealand.
Both were madness.
The first was the Australian daughter of my father’s twisted redneck fisherman friend, she lived up the road from us in the bush of rural NZ.
I was 14. She was 16. We started hanging out and madness ensued.
I’m not going to write about it in detail, but I will say, I wasn’t really ready for what went down.
Our fooling around didn't damage me permanently. But to give you an idea of the madness, when she strongly started suggesting we bang without a condom, I asked “But what if you got pregnant?”
She calmly said, “I would just get really pissed and kill it.”
Smooth.
At 14 the idea of being a baby killer was a bit much for me so I bailed her off and went back to listening to Iron Maiden and whacking it to a Kelly and Peggy Bundy Threesome.
The next day at school she got caught with a bottle of Jack Daniels in her bag, got chased by a teacher, ran, fell over - bottle smashed, booze everywhere…. and that was the last I saw of her.
The next Australian girl I met was what we called a “Blow in”.
It's not a rude term, chill out.
A “Blow In” is a new kid that suddenly appears at our small country school in the middle of the year. The school that all of us had been attending since the age of 5.
It was always a shock and big news.
Some of the meaner kids would say to me “ Hey there’s a new kid that you can be friends with like you always try to do because they don’t know how weird you are, and everyone at this school thinks your crazy, but the new kid doesn’t know that yet. So go on, go be friends with them.”
I would always try to be friends with the new kids and welcome them in.
And try not to be too weird. And usually fail.
Well, the Auzzie Gal who showed up was 17, kind of Goth ( before I even knew what that was). She had big boobs and low-cut tops and lots of jewelry.
Sometimes she wore a red velvet dress. Madness.
Alive, full of spark and attitude, flirting and electrifying the guys, cooly dismissive of the gals.
Imagine the women of New Zealand are like the birds of New Zealand: Quiet conservative drab colored nest builders, on the lookout for weasels, ferrets, and rats.
The women of Australia are like the birds of Australia : Loud, brightly colored, crazy, squawking, sporty and fit, and looking for mates on the go as they fly about in big screaming groups.
The two countries couldn’t be more different. You can go down that google search rabbit hole later. For now, keep reading.
Now I’m speaking from my experience in these two countries in the randy as-hell 90s here…
Happily married to a woman who is just as stuck in the 90s as I am.
Teenagers just have sex with their phones now or not at all because their diet is 90% soy and microplastics and all the dudes are chicks and all the chicks are dudes or something.
Im exaggerating for effect here, but that dont mean it ain’t true.
Now the gals in NZ work TOGETHER to keep the guys in line. If a gal started to get out of control and got a little promiscuous, thus disrupting their scarcity system, the other woman would work together using the well-honed and ancient NZ social control tools to put her back in line.
This will range from gentle reminders, or small whispering campaigns to full-blown public shaming, throwing liquids, or anything else imaginative to run them off or smash them down.
They will turn on one of their own fast. And that “Good Time Girl1” will not be having a good time for very long.
So when Auzzie Gal… let’s call her NIGHTSHADE … rolled up and started flirting the first thing the gals at my school did was talk to her about how she should get a good boyfriend and lock him down. Just one. And they would help out.
She wasn’t having any of this. She was a crazy Auzzie bird. Loud, crazy, squawking, sporty and fit, and looking for mates on the go.
She told them to “Rack Off” She would do whatever the fuck she wanted.
How did I know this? Well because of my “become friends with the new kids” system.
I hung out with her a ton. Sitting and chatting in the middle of the school field. The most private place in the school.
She told me everything that was going on between her and the mean girls at my school. While not flirting with me at all - but by being a good friend.
I had “friend-zoned myself” before even knowing it was a thing.
Ok, she had been warned.
That weekend there was a party on Friday and then another on Saturday and she rolled up at one with one guy and then rolled up at the other with another guy.
That was it! That was not allowed.
By Monday the rumor mill was grinding hard.
She was a lesbian ( Contradictory I thought )
She pisses on tea bags, dries the leaves, and then smokes it ( Just bizarre)
She’s a total slut with aids. ( Small chance of Aids, unlikely to be a total slut after two dates )
Other super mean things I don’t want to print here out of respect for my Friendzoned AF Friendship.
By Tuesday after that weekend, she was a crying mess with yogurt tipped into her bag and white out flicked into her beautiful long black hair.
No one would dare talk to her except spaz friend-zoned me.
She told me she was going to be ok because she had met a guy and was leaving school.
“You met a guy?!”
”Who? I know everyone in school!”
”Oh, he’s not at school. He works…”
Works… what the fuck? Like a grownup? I thought. I had been here before.
By Wednesday she was gone.
I never saw her again.
But I now had two data points.
Time went by and I left school, moved to the big city, and had other adventures as detailed in other stories.
At a party one day I saw a group of guys quietly taking, over in one part of the back garden.
One of the guys in the group looked about, around and behind him furtively… like he was making sure someone was not about.
I went over and joined the group. One of their number had just come back from six months in Australia. He was now tanned, rugged, and worldly … and he even seemed slightly drained. The topic of conversation was “Auzzie Gals”.
Well the way he told it, a Kiwi guy could take his pick and many times be swarmed!
We were tame, smart, calm, hard-working, polite, and attentive, due to years of training and kiwi girl beatdowns.
And Kiwi guys had a really good name over there for the above.
The average Auzzie guy was wild, dumb, manic, lazy, impolite, and inattentive, due to years of getting his way in a super chauvinist country that is wild and crazy.
They are all of course descended from wild and crazy convicts.
My mate Jermaine from Flight of the Conchords can school you up if you need it.
Our friend painted a picture of a half-naked beach-going paradise of cheap beers high wages, good food, and wild healthy eager women. And no freezing rain.
Actual sunshine! 300 days of sun, compared to our Gollum cave level of 75.
My head swam and my eyes hurt at the thought.
I added my two stories about the Aussie gals I had run into. This raised eyebrows.
The speaker said “See! This guy gets it!”
I felt good! I was a guy that got things!
One of the Kiwi gals at the party had snuck over and scared the shit out of us.
“What are you guys hiding over here talking about!?”
“Rugby!” We all said in unison.
“Hmmm” She stood there frowning at us until we dispersed… but the damage was already done.
Someone had gone to the golden promised land and come back with the golden hope.
A better healthier way? Very probably not.
A more exciting way with more fun wild beach times and less behaving yourself out of the terror of getting a bad name as a creep while running from party to party in the freezing rain trying to be good enough to interest someone? Fair dinkum!2
I left that party with one goal. And I worked my bag off over the next six months to save up enough to make that goal a reality.
Find the love of my life… Is she over in Australia? We will see….
Good Time Girl: A young woman who engages regularly in partying and romantic or sexual liaisons.
Fair Dinkum. slang, Australia: unquestionably good or genuine: Affirmative.
—often used as a general expression of approval.
These cigars are fair dinkum.
Will you be at the party? Fair Dinkum!
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Being the multi-cultural mess it is, one must not paint all Oz girls with the same brush, I venture your experience was of Anglo persuasion – definitely not the same case with those from Continental Europe. And as for Kiwi girls, well it didn't surprise me when I read that they topped the global list for most sexual partners.
It's funny coz it's true but it was also literally Gollum's cave hellish.
My husband (not kiwi) seemed to intuit the reality from what was unsaid, but it's cathartic to hear it put in to words. On ya moite.