Its amusing to be that in my middle years, I’m no longer boastfully proud of my youth’s sexual exploits. I wrote the draft of some of these stories in my late 20s as wistful reminisces. What was going on really?
A series of nonconnected ruttings, where both participants were totally controlled by young lust.
I do take some pride in the fact that it was the 90s so you had to actually WORK at it. There was no Tinder app or whatever the fuck people do these days… I don’t know… I’ve been happily married for 22 years.
I mostly know about these apps because they would get me a lot of clients for my counselling practice after shit had gone sideways in the relationship BECAUSE OF THEM.... so I can’t complain.
Anyway…
These women of my youth are now in their mid to late 40s … two are now 60!… as I dated women in their mid thirties while I was in my early 20s because I’m a goddamn maniac.
... All of the wonderful women I loved are very very possibly no longer the crazed vixens they once were, just as I am no longer some kind of pompous, self aggrandizing, heavy-metal Lothario.
I fell into the role of professional women's counselor later in life and through many hundreds of hours of working through grief and trauma with women I gained an insight into female perspective that I guess few men ever dared to or cared to.
Yet the tale must be told regardless. Because I’m now in the role of a writer and I give zero shits. I am cutting some of the cruder sentences though. Anything that makes me physically flinch is gone.
We will begin…
So there I was, a young man… blinded by the darkness that lurks within the heart of every woman.
I was working in demolition as I have said .. off the hard drugs and insane hijinks.. Weekends were spend hard on the Devils Lettuce and the Pixies on loop…
This story finds me in a spa pool with 4 others swimming round and round, stopping only to take a lung-bursting hit from the bong and then disappearing under the water to take long chlorine-laced hits of the stale air that came out the bubble holes.
We were truly lost in a world of mind-destroying bliss.
There was a lovely blond gal with a rounded lithe body and unbelievably perky tits in the spa with me and as she ran her feet up and down my legs the others bailed out of the pool and left us alone to engage in intelligent conversation. The conversation went like this.
Me: Man I’m out of it… I’m fuckin bombed, I can’t even feel my face.
Her: Yeah same.
Me: … uhhmmbbzz.
Her: Yeah.
Me: ….
Her: ….
Me: Whaddid I just say? Did I just say something?
Her: Ummm I don’t think so.
Me: ….
Her: ….
Me: Whaddid I just say then? Whaddid I say?
Her: You just said whaddid you just say.
Me: No, before that.
Her: I dunno.
Me: Man I think I’m blacking out as I go.
Then kissing!
I suggested to her that we grab a blanket and head up to the inner city volcanic mountain which was located a 15-minute walk from where we were and continue this mutual exploration. Mt Eden Auckland If you wish to Google Search it.
The moon was shining full and romantic-like as I tried to get some sort of sexual feeling from my numb body. Both our eyes were closed for quite a while as we tried to make our drug fucked bodies feel what sex was like.
Something huge and wet had covered my bare foot. Blasting my eyes open I saw …
that cows surrounded our little blanket oasis! One of their number had just licked my foot and now they were staring at us! There must have been 20 of them!
I knelt there glaring at them, part of me upright and waving. They looked back boredly. I knew I wouldn’t be able to perform with so many onlookers so I shooed them away and they stampeded off before I resumed.
We fell into some kind of “relationship” that consisted of her coming around to my place after she finished school, smoking a few joints, and then going down to my room for a while to “Chill” before going home.
I had become that guy that every father would like to Kill.
I once went round to her place to meet the parents for dinner. It didn’t go too well, as I was far too stoned to behave rationally and spent most of the meal staring at the tablecloth trying to not piss myself laughing at the spectacle of obedient respectability my young lady presented to her mum and stepdad.
I put forward no such pretense and happily told jokes and sang songs until dessert, which I consumed in a munchies-induced frenzy.
I was a recently rehabilitated ragamuffin from the streets and had nothing but contempt for anyone not as “Free” as me. I had zero censor, at all times.
The whole romance was to come to a crashing conclusion about 3 weeks after it began.
It was party time in my room. My room was the space underneath the house, which I had made habitable by nailing four layers of carpet to the floor, walls, and ceiling to give a fuzzy bouncy castle furry cave wall effect. I personally invented the furry wall system in 94. Way before the popularization of the furry wall in the movie Get him to the Greek.
My bed was two double mattresses lain side by side on a huge raised platform at the end of the room.
My room was packed with a small number of refugees from the upstairs beer and popular music party who had filtered down to the sanctuary of “the furry cave” because all the people upstairs were really, really weird and were freaking them out.
My room was a fun house for the insane and we rolled around on the floor, flicked the black rave light off and on to the tune of 90s rave music and made magical inscriptions with glowing incense, and then forayed out to the lawn to spin around on the clothesline.
We had the great idea of taking the mattress off my bed and putting them on the floor to bounce on, so we hauled them off. What was revealed underneath would shock us into speechlessness. A cosmos of bright multicolored stars! Small galaxies in green, yellow, orange, and white, great big clumps of stars lay everywhere in the portal to another universe we had revealed.
All of it glowed amazingly in the glare of the black disco light.
“Wow.” we said and stared into the stargate as the stars within pulsed and glowed.
A young lady dared to reach into the void, and what’s this? She picked up a star, which grew long, and jiggled in her hand … she examined it closely and screamed, then threw it. It landed on another girls head and tangled in her hair. She stood stunned … then pulled it out looked at it and also screamed, joining the first girl bolting for the door. We all leaned forward to examine the glowing thing closely… then there was a huge and frightened exodus for the door.
Except me who was left to remove a huge double handful of condoms (which over the past six months I had carelessly tied and hurled under the mattress, ( like an 18 year old grot who cares nothing for post-sex decorum) , before blacking out into the arms of my unsatisfied partner) the contents of which were in varying states of decomposition, changing color depending on which state of fermentation the product was at.
I deposited 72 civilizations worth of latex-encased goo into a nearby McDonalds bag, and went outside to tell everyone the coast was clear! And we can do the cool thing with the bouncy mattresses on the floor now.
Most of the people had already fled preferring to brave the upstairs party than stay and be subjected to any further mind-unraveling surprises like what they had just witnessed.
The brave few that had reconvened on the lawn met me with frightened stares and backed away shaking their heads.
I sort of realized that my underhouse dog-like living and gutter-rough lifestyle was just too much for regular folks… but the ability to live like an animal has actually been revealed to me as a superpower later in life.
And of course when civilization collapses, and everyone is still trying to figure out how to get a generator to charge their cell phones to hook up to a grid that doesn’t exist, I will already be leading my tribe wearing assless chaps and a metal mask.
I digress…
My young lady stayed over the whole night for the first (and last) time that night. We were woken from our hungover hibernation, in the afternoon by banging on the door and the screeching sound of her mother calling her name in an angry worried mother fashion.
The first thing to hit me as I woke was the horrid stench of wet rotten carpet combined with cigarette butts, bong water, beer and the smell of the ghosts of joints long smoked. I looked down to see the floor flooded with water, bobbing in it was the festering trash of last night’s party. It had rained heavily in the night and flooded the room, as it was prone to do when it rained. I had not thought of this when I had stapled all the carpet up around the room. In the past, the water just pooled on the concrete floor and exited through the door when I opened it in the morning.
The poor girl’s mother opened the door and a wash of brown water and party refuse exited onto her shoes and past her to soak into the lawn where it belonged.
She shrieked to her daughter that she would be in the car, and to get her butt to said car immediately.
We cowered terrified under the blankets. All of her clothes had been passionately thrown off her and flung to the floor last night and were now grimy and soaked. So dressing up in some of my moldy-smelling but dry gear and promising to call, she crept out to face her fate.
She arrived around at my house that night, and I knew the dream was over when I saw her long beautiful Barbie blond locks had been shorn into some bullshit pennance haircut, which was short and dyed red. I knew what this meant.
My good-time gal was now a beaten down by mom and dad slave with her shit together.
The raw facts of teenage rebellion only last as long as the phrase “While your living in my house…” and basically no teen is willing to say… “Well fuck you then, I’m just going to go live on the streets then so I can be free then” . You know why? Because 99% of the time “Free” loses to being fed and warm.
I chose freedom.
I remember an interesting conversation with my Father at the dinner table, having just turned 17, once the school year ended.
Me: “Im not going back to school next year.
Him: “OK! So your going to come up into the bush and work for me?” ( He owned a large logging company )
Me: “No. I’m going to have a wee rest.”
Him: “ Like fuck you are! Not on my fucking dime your not!”
Me: “Well then Ill leave.”
Him: “You’ll fuckin die.”
Me: “Yes… I may die… But at least I’ll die free”
An entire societal philosophy could be built out of this, but I’m not in that business. I’m in the business of writing out my demented Gen X hobo capers.
Ok so back to the gal…
She gave me a chocolate bar and from the door told me that she wouldn’t be able to see me again as she really must concentrate on her schoolwork from now on.
I said, “Yeah, whatever, I get it.” I shut the door on her and cried like an abandoned baby, down in my floody misery room.
Deeply alone super sobs, at the unfairness of it all.
Did this experience help me… Yes.
I moved up into the garage, where it was dry, and decided to stop acting like such a pig. I got a few new shirts and a silver necklace and overall, started lifting my game.
Did it work?
Fuck yes, it did. I’m a fast learner and pushed ahead to a better blond, whose father was a book publisher and wanted to be hip… he was learned enough to kind of dig me.
And so we beat on … boats against the blah blah…
The End.
HOOK UP A POST GRUNGE DRIFTER WITH A BEER!
If you enjoyed this and constantly having money you don’t have, ripped out of your bank account via a subscription, doesn’t appeal to you , you can support me on this link below.
Your contribution will go to making my boy smart and strong so he can be a leader in this brave new world, and I will occasionally buy a beer with that money, and sit with it reflecting on what is good in life…..
That is a crazy story but an even crazier photograph!
I'm looking forward to seeing a pic of you in assless chaps and a metal mask. 🤔😂